Have you ever asked someone what is wrong, only to get the answer, “Nothing”? Sounds like a ‘man’ answer. Sharing my feelings always felt like I was sharing a weakness that made me come across as ‘lesser’ somehow. Understanding feelings in a relationship is an important tool in our relationship toolbox. Recognising them in others and sharing our own. Knowing other people’s feelings should shape our responses.
Now, we all know that sometimes nothing means nothing. But sometimes it means quite a lot!
Perhaps they are upset, disappointed, frustrated or just having a difficult day. And instead of telling you exactly what is going on, you get a short answer, a sigh, or perhaps a look that says you should already know.
The problem is that we often listen to the words and miss what is happening behind them. And then we respond to the words rather than the person.
Understanding Feelings in a Relationship Means Looking Beyond the Words
Words are important, but they don’t always tell us the whole story.
Someone might say, “It’s fine,” when it really isn’t. They might become quiet because they are hurt, or raise their voice because they are frustrated. They might complain about something small when the real problem has been building for quite some time.
Of course, we cannot simply decide what someone is feeling and assume that we are right. That would be another way of getting things wrong.
But we can become a little more observant.
What is their tone telling us? Has something changed? Are they unusually quiet? Is there something about the situation that might explain their reaction?
We need to look beyond the words without pretending that we can read minds.
When we start Understanding Feelings in a Relationship, we realise Our Own Feelings can Get in the Way
Here is where things get interesting. If we are not understanding feelings in a relationship, we may ignore the fact that ours are part of the equation.
We don’t just have to understand the other person’s feelings. We also need to understand our own.
In Little Me and Little You, I explore how our emotions can influence the way we respond to situations. When we become emotional, our reasoning can take a back seat. We may react first and think about it afterwards.
I use the idea of Reasonicons and Emoticons to describe what happens inside us when reason and emotion compete for attention.
When emotions take over, we can easily misunderstand what someone is saying. A comment intended to help might feel like criticism. A question might feel like an accusation. And before long, we are defending ourselves instead of trying to understand what is happening.
I wrote:
“There are no good or bad emotions. There are just righteous and unrighteous ways of dealing with them.”
That is an important distinction. Feeling angry, hurt or disappointed is part of being human. What matters is how we deal with those feelings and how we allow them to influence the way we treat others.
Understanding Feelings in a Relationship doesn’t mean You Know What Someone Is Feeling
We all have a habit of interpreting things from our own point of view.
If someone becomes quiet, we might assume they are angry with us. If they sound irritated, we might decide they are being unreasonable. If they disagree with us, we may think they are simply being difficult.
But what if we are wrong?
Perhaps they are tired. Perhaps something happened earlier in the day. Perhaps they are worried about something they haven’t told us. Or perhaps something we said has hurt them, even though that was never our intention.
We don’t know until we make an effort to find out.
Instead of saying, “Why are you always so difficult?”, we could try asking, “You seem a little upset. Is something bothering you?”
There is quite a difference between those two questions.
One makes a judgement. The other opens a conversation.
A Few Questions That Can Change the Conversation
The next time someone reacts in a way you don’t understand, try slowing things down.
- Look beyond the words. Pay attention to their tone, expression and general mood.
- Ask rather than assume. Give them an opportunity to explain what they are feeling.
- Listen without becoming defensive. Try to understand what has upset them before explaining your own intentions.
- Check your own reaction. Are you feeling attacked, criticised or misunderstood? Don’t let that feeling take over the conversation.
- Give them some room. Not everyone is ready to explain how they feel immediately.
Sometimes the most helpful thing we can do is simply let someone know that we are interested in understanding them.
What Does God Have to Say?
Proverbs 20:5 (NIV) says:
“The purposes of a person’s heart are deep waters, but one who has insight draws them out.”
I like this picture of deep water. There is often more going on inside a person than we can see on the surface.
We need insight, patience and a willingness to ask the right questions. We cannot expect people to explain everything perfectly, especially when they are struggling to understand their own feelings.
Sometimes we need to give them a little help to get there.
Want to Put This Into Practice?
Recognising the feelings behind someone’s words takes practice. In RelationalRoots – Growing Me, Growing Us, Theme 3: Understanding, Lesson 3.3 – Look Beyond the Words, we explore how to pay attention to what people may be communicating beyond what they actually say.
The workbook includes opportunities to reflect on how we interpret other people’s words, recognise our own reactions and make a better effort to understand what someone is really trying to tell us.
A Final Thought
We cannot always know what is going on inside someone else’s head. And trying to guess can get us into just as much trouble as not paying attention at all.
But we can make an effort.
We can listen a little more carefully, ask a few better questions and spend less time deciding what someone means before they have had a chance to explain it.
Sometimes the words are only the beginning of the conversation.
Ready to Take the Next Step in How to Change Your Behaviour?
Explore the Little Me and Little You by Marc Jarchow book page to discover more about personal growth, emotional maturity, and how the way we understand ourselves can influence the relationships we build.
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Joan and I have been together since 1976, and most of what we know we learned the hard way. Subscribe and I’ll send you my 18-page Christian reflection guide free, plus each new Relational Roots article by email.