Making Assumptions in Relationships: How Many Problems Start With an Assumption?

Have you ever said something perfectly innocent, only to discover that someone has taken it completely the wrong way?

You meant one thing. They understood something else. And before you know it, you have a problem that wasn’t there when the conversation started. Now bring gender into it, and the whole understanding-what-they-meant thing reaches a whole new level. What we need are screens over each other’s heads so that we can see immediately where our partner is at.

Or perhaps you have been on the other side. Someone says something, does something, or doesn’t do something, and you immediately decide what they must have meant.

We are very good at filling in the gaps, aren’t we? Unfortunately, we don’t always get the story right.

And sometimes we end up arguing about something that neither person actually intended.

Making Assumptions in Relationships Can Cause Unnecessary Problems

The difficulty with assumptions is that they often feel like facts.

Someone doesn’t reply to your message. You decide they are ignoring you.

Your partner comes home quietly. You assume they are upset with you.

Someone makes a comment that sounds a little sharp. You decide they are being deliberately unkind.

But what do we actually know?

Perhaps they were busy. Perhaps they had a difficult day. Perhaps the comment came out differently from what they intended.

The problem is that we take what we see or hear, add our own interpretation, and then react as though our interpretation is the truth.

We don’t always stop to check.

We Often Create a Story in Our Own Heads

This is something I explored in Self vs Soul.

I wrote about a situation where I had sent a message to a group of friends. Some people questioned what I meant because they thought the words might have carried a meaning beyond what I had intended.

My first reaction was to wonder how they could possibly think I would deliberately write something offensive.

I was looking at it from my side. I knew what I had meant, so surely they should have understood it that way.

But then I had to consider something else. They were reading the words from their side, with their own experiences, feelings and circumstances.

I wrote:

“Could they not have asked me if that was what I had really meant to say before assuming that my original intention had meant to be negative?”

That is really the point, isn’t it?

Why assume when we can ask?

Of course, I also had to recognise that I might not have made myself clear in the first place. Communication involves at least two people, and there is usually something for both sides to consider.

The Difference Between What Happened and What We Think Happened

Let’s take a simple example.

Your partner walks past you without saying hello.

What happened? They walked past without saying hello.

What you think happened: They are ignoring me. They are annoyed with me. I must have done something wrong.

See the difference?

The first is what you know. The second is the story you have created around it.

And once that story starts developing, it can take on a life of its own.

By the time your partner walks back into the room, you may already be upset about something they never intended to do.

This is where we need to slow down and separate what actually happened from what we think it means.

Ask Before You Decide What Someone Means

It sounds obvious, but asking a question can save a lot of unnecessary trouble.

Instead of assuming someone is upset, ask them.

Instead of deciding that a comment was meant as criticism, check what they intended.

Instead of interpreting silence as rejection, find out whether something else is going on.

Here are a few questions that might help:

• “I’m not quite sure what you meant by that. Can you explain?”
• “Have I understood you correctly?”
• “When you said that, were you trying to tell me something?”
• “Is there something bothering you that we need to talk about?”

And perhaps the most important one:

“Am I making an assumption here?”

That last question might save us from quite a few arguments!

Give Each Other the Benefit of the Doubt

This doesn’t mean that we must always assume everyone has good intentions, or that we should ignore behaviour that genuinely needs to be addressed.

But we should be careful about deciding what someone meant before we have all the information.

In Self vs Soul, I explored the idea of considering what might have been happening on the other side of a conversation. Perhaps someone was having a difficult day. Perhaps they were tired or worried. Perhaps I had not made myself clear.

There are often explanations we haven’t considered.

Giving someone the benefit of the doubt simply means allowing for the possibility that our first interpretation may be wrong.

It is a much better starting point than immediately assuming the worst.

What Does God Have to Say?

John 7:24 (NIV) says:

“Stop judging by mere appearances, but instead judge correctly.”

That is a useful reminder for our relationships.

What we see on the surface doesn’t always tell us what is really happening. We may see someone’s behaviour, hear their words or notice their reaction, but that doesn’t mean we understand the reason behind it.

We need to be careful about making judgements without understanding the situation.

Sometimes the wisest thing we can do is ask another question before reaching a conclusion.

Want to Put This Into Practice?

In RelationalRoots – Growing Me, Growing Us, Theme 3: Understanding, Lesson 3.5 – Don’t Assume You Know What They Mean, we look at how easily assumptions can influence our relationships.

The workbook gives you an opportunity to examine your own assumptions, consider how they affect the way you respond to others and practise asking questions instead of jumping to conclusions.

It is a small change, but one that can prevent a lot of unnecessary misunderstanding.

A Final Thought

We all make assumptions. I certainly do.

The problem isn’t that we sometimes get things wrong. The problem is when we become so convinced that our interpretation is correct that we don’t bother checking.

The next time someone says or does something that doesn’t quite make sense, take a moment before reacting.

Ask a question.

You might discover that the story you were telling yourself wasn’t quite the story at all.

Ready to Take the Next Step in How to Change Your Behaviour?

Explore the Little Me and Little You by Marc Jarchow book page to discover more about personal growth, emotional maturity, and how the way we understand ourselves can influence the relationships we build.
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