It’s quite precious to me.
When we are born, we are a mess, filled with stuff that is harmful, useless, unnecessary, over the top, unrighteous, selfish and the like. Fortunately, it is still easy to deal with at a baby level. Also, it’s not that obvious yet, mostly.
However, every person in this world has to integrate with the society in which they find themselves. Which, is immaterial. For my example, I’ll pick mine.
Most areas of my life had to change. I had to become less selfish, learn to share, and learn not to abuse stuff and people. I had to integrate with the way my peeps did stuff. It differed from other societies, and it even differed within families from the same society. The point is that we had to adapt, let go of harmful ways of doing things and start doing things in a beneficial way to be able to continue within the societal limits we found ourselves in.
Those who strayed outside of their boundaries experienced pain and suffering unless they found a group where their particular variances were acceptable. We adapted, changed, suppressed, and modified many areas that we were born with to become the young adults we turned out to be.
Then we got married, and the changes continued. We adapted to the new society of two.
The towels were now hung neatly and washed regularly.
The kitchen was kept in a specific state of cleanliness.
Washing was folded and kept tidily in cupboards.
Dishes were washed every night before going to bed.
Vegetables would be eaten, health care was elevated.
The things that were my natural habits before getting married had to change. These were not bad habits, mostly, just my way and her way. My way used to work in my mother’s house, but they don’t work anymore.
And she had to change too.
Then we had children, and the changes continued.
My insistence on a good night’s rest to be able to function the next day had to be adapted.
My time to do my stuff every day was being severely restricted, the family stuff became priority.
The same process of extracting the unacceptable stuff from me had to be applied to my children.
But somewhere in the deep, dark recesses of my soul, there remains a core that has to be taken care of. It’s not bad stuff or unacceptable stuff. It’s just a core that is me. We all have that core. A collection of things that make us who we are. Things that we should not change because they are too deeply rooted. They are necessary. They are needed. We desperately have to protect them and ensure their continued nurturing. When we are kept from that core, we will get unwell.
I need to walk barefoot when I can. I don’t like shoes but I understand that their use is necessary sometimes and usually when I have to integrate with society or it’s cold or the ground is thorny.
I don’t do belts. I use them when I have to, but when there is a choice, an elastic is preferable.
I need to create. I like to write.
I like being alone, and I understand the need for people, but not all the time and not too long.
I don’t do conflict, it hurts too much.
My wife also has a core.
She needs a quiet life with an occasional connection with a friend.
She must be physically free, she does not do enclosed spaces or people who get too close. She has a safety bubble; don’t force your way in. I’m allowed in, but not all the time; it’s a matter of timing.
The environment cannot be too much for her. Too loud, too busy, too intrusive, too flashy, too anything.
She needs to be valued, heard, and acknowledged.
She needs to be seen.
It takes time to figure out what is in someone else’s core. Years. Decades. It may appear irrational to you, but it is very rational to them because it is part of their core. The core is not a debate. It cannot be changed. Either you work with it or you walk away. You cannot reason a change in someone’s core. If you value them enough, you will make the space to accommodate their core.
But the core must be reasonable. Not sin.
We work together to protect each other’s cores.
I know when her core is threatened, and if I am able, I take action.
We give each other the space to keep these cores safe. We learn carefully to become aware of any new core elements that we may have missed. We have been together almost fifty years, and we are still learning.
And some will want to reason this way.
What if the two cores crash?
She needs space, I need cuddles.
Like with all relationships, you figure it out, and if you can’t, don’t get married, and if you are married, learn to work with it, talk and listen to each other.
Understanding that your partner has a core and valuing it as you would a precious jewel is one of the strongest bonds of marriage that you can get.
IMHO.
~~~ THE END ~~~