I mean, it’s been said to me, I feel it, when will I learn how to stop taking things personally !!!
Have you ever had a conversation with your partner and found yourself upset by something they said or did, even though you weren’t quite sure what they meant? It could have been a look. A set of the mouth. Maybe they gave you die oog (the eye) of ‘watch it, buster’. The way they said that word, that expression or what you associated with it. We are an annoyingly sensitive bunch. The longer you are with a person, the more you rely on what is habitual, the way things have always been said and done. The moment that deviates in any way is the moment we start attributing all sorts of additional meanings. Usually negative, but can be positive. Either way, we can’t be sure.
Perhaps they made a comment about something you did. You heard it as criticism. Maybe they were quiet, and you assumed they were angry with you. Or they disagreed with your opinion, and you felt they were rejecting you.
Before long, you are reacting to what you think they meant rather than what they actually said.
If this sounds familiar, you are not alone. Many of us take things personally without stopping to consider whether we have understood the situation correctly.
We Don’t Always See Things as They Are
We all bring our own experiences, expectations, and disappointments into our relationships. These influence how we see things and how we interpret what other people say and do.
Imagine your partner comes home and doesn’t say much. You immediately think something is wrong. Perhaps you assume they are upset with you or that you have done something to disappoint them.
But what if they have simply had a difficult day?
The facts haven’t changed. Your interpretation of those facts has.
This is worth recognising because we can react strongly to a meaning we have given to something, even when we don’t know whether that meaning is correct.
Taking things personally can turn an ordinary moment into an unnecessary disagreement.
What We Bring Into a Situation Matters
In Little Me and Little You, I explore the importance of understanding ourselves and recognising how our own thinking influences our relationships.
We often believe that we are responding to what another person has done. But sometimes, we are responding to what we believe their actions mean.
If you have often felt criticised, you may be quick to hear criticism. If you have experienced rejection, you may be sensitive to anything that feels like someone pulling away. If you expect people to disappoint you, you may look for signs that they are doing so.
This doesn’t mean that your feelings are unimportant or that the other person is always right. Sometimes people really are being critical, dismissive, or unkind.
The point is to recognise the difference between what happened and what you think it means.
That small difference can change how you respond.
What Does the Bible Say About Our Reactions?
James 1:19 (NIV) gives us this practical reminder:
“Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”
When we take something personally, we can be quick to react. We may interrupt, defend ourselves, or make an accusation before we have understood what the other person meant.
Being slow to speak gives us time to listen. It gives us the opportunity to ask a question rather than make an assumption.
Instead of immediately deciding that a comment was meant to hurt you, you could ask, “What did you mean by that?”
You may not always like the answer, but at least you are responding to what the other person is telling you rather than what you have imagined they meant.
How to Stop Taking Things Personally
The next time something your partner says or does upsets you, try taking a moment before responding.
Ask yourself:
- What actually happened?
- What am I assuming this means?
- Do I know what the other person intended, or am I guessing?
- Could there be another explanation?
- What could I ask or say to understand the situation better?
You don’t have to dismiss your feelings. Acknowledge them, but don’t automatically assume they tell you the whole story.
If something genuinely hurts you, explain that calmly. Tell the other person how you experienced the situation and give them a chance to explain their side.
And if you discover that you misunderstood what happened, be willing to acknowledge it.
We all make assumptions from time to time. What matters is whether we are willing to examine them.
A Different Way of Looking at Things
You cannot control what another person says or does. You can, however, become more aware of how you interpret their words and actions.
The next time you feel hurt, criticised, or rejected, pause before deciding what it means. Ask a question. Listen to the answer. Consider whether your own experiences and expectations are influencing the way you see the situation.
You may discover that the problem is not quite what you first thought it was.
And even when the other person has genuinely hurt you, understanding your own response can help you deal with the situation more constructively.
Explore RelationalRoots – Theme 2: Recognition, a 7-lesson workbook that helps you recognise your triggers, understand your reactions, and take practical steps towards healthier relationships.
Explore the Little Me and Little You by Marc Jarchow book page to discover more about personal growth, emotional maturity, and how the way we understand ourselves can influence the relationships we build.
Or buy the book Little Me and Little You on Amazon
Sometimes, a healthier relationship begins when we stop assuming we know what the other person means and take the time to understand.