How to change your behaviour – “I don’t understand, why do I need to change my behaviour?”
Have you ever promised yourself that you would handle things differently next time, only to find yourself doing exactly the same thing again?
Perhaps you promised not to lose your temper, interrupt when someone is speaking, or bring up an old argument. Yet, when the situation arises, you find yourself doing precisely what you said you wouldn’t do.
Why is changing our behaviour so difficult?
The answer is not always that we don’t want to change. Sometimes we have spent so many years responding in a particular way that we hardly notice what we are doing until it is too late.
But recognising the problem gives us somewhere to start.
Why Is Changing Our Behaviour So Difficult?
We all develop habits and ways of responding to life. Some are helpful, while others make our relationships more difficult than they need to be.
Perhaps you grew up in a home where people shouted to make themselves heard. Maybe you learned to withdraw when someone criticised you, or to defend yourself whenever you felt misunderstood.
These responses can follow us into adulthood. We may even believe that this is simply who we are.
But there is an important difference between saying, “This is how I am,” and saying, “This is how I have learned to respond.”
The first can become an excuse to stay the same. The second leaves room for change.
What We Need to Understand
In Little Me and Little You, I describe how we can develop characteristics that we need to fine-tune or unlearn, depending on whether they help or hinder us.
I wrote:
There is a point to this story, and the point is that we end up with a set of characteristics that we then need to spend the rest of our lives fine-tuning or unlearning, depending on whether they are strengths or weaknesses within the context of our chosen environment. The trick is awareness, self-awareness, and a realisation that the self needs help because it’s not perfect.
I don’t see the need for a clean room for a long time.
Then, one day, I was suddenly aware that the room needed to be cleaned.
Only then will I do something about it.
— Little Me and Little You, Chapter 6, “Solution – Self-aware,”
That is an important starting point. We cannot change a behaviour we refuse to recognise, and we are unlikely to change one we keep justifying.
It is easy to explain why we shouted, why we walked away, or why we said something hurtful. We may have had good reasons for feeling upset. But our feelings do not automatically make every response appropriate.
We need to learn to separate what we feel from what we choose to do with those feelings.
The writer James Clear expresses the positive side of this idea:
“Every action you take is a vote for the type of person you wish to become.”
— James Clear, Atomic Habits. Source
We don’t have to transform ourselves overnight. Every time we choose a better response, we practise becoming someone who handles that situation differently.
How to Change Your Behaviour, step by step
Start with one behaviour. Not ten. Just one.
Perhaps you want to stop raising your voice during disagreements. Perhaps you want to listen without immediately defending yourself, or stop bringing yesterday’s mistakes into today’s conversation.
Once you have identified the behaviour, try these four steps.
1. Notice when it happens.
Pay attention to the situations that bring out your usual response. What was said? What were you feeling? What did you think the other person meant?
2. Take responsibility for your part.
You cannot control everything another person says or does. You can, however, take responsibility for your own words, actions, and reactions.
3. Choose a different response.
If you normally shout, practise lowering your voice. If you interrupt, allow the other person to finish. If you withdraw, try saying, “I need a little time to think, but I do want us to talk about this.”
It may feel unnatural at first. That doesn’t mean it is wrong. It may simply mean you are learning something new.
4. Review what happened.
At the end of the day, ask yourself: What went well? Where did I fall back into my old behaviour? What could I try differently next time?
Don’t use every mistake as another reason to criticise yourself. Use it as information that can help you improve.
A Faith Perspective on Change
Romans 12:2 (NIV) encourages us to be transformed by the renewing of our minds.
This reminds us that change involves more than trying to behave better on the outside. We also need to examine the thinking, attitudes, and assumptions that influence our behaviour.
As Christians, we can ask God to help us recognise where we need to grow, give us the willingness to learn, and help us put what we learn into practice.
We will not get everything right the first time. The important thing is that we stop treating our old behaviour as something we cannot change.
Final Thought
You cannot change every part of yourself in a day, and you cannot make another person change simply because you want them to.
But you can begin with yourself.
Choose one behaviour that is affecting your relationships. Notice it, understand it, and practise a better response. When you get it wrong, learn from it and try again.
Over time, small choices can become new habits. And those habits can help you build the kind of relationships you want to have.
You don’t have to remain the person who always reacts in the same way. You can learn to respond differently.
Ready to Take the Next Step in How to Change Your Behaviour?
Explore RelationalRoots – Theme 2: Recognition, a 7-lesson workbook that helps you recognise your triggers, understand your reactions, and take practical steps towards healthier relationships.
Explore the Little Me and Little You by Marc Jarchow book page to discover more about personal growth, emotional maturity, and how the way we understand ourselves can influence the relationships we build.
Or buy the book Little Me and Little You on Amazon
Because recognising what needs to change is the beginning. Choosing what to do with what you discover is the next step.