Why do we need forgiveness in relationships? What did I do wrong?
We all make mistakes. Sometimes we say things we shouldn’t say. Sometimes we let people down, disappoint them, or hurt them without fully understanding what we’ve done.
And sometimes, the people closest to us are the ones who hurt us the most.
We know that forgiveness is important. We may even tell ourselves that we have forgiven someone. But that doesn’t always mean the hurt has gone away.
Why is forgiveness so difficult? And how do we move forward when someone has hurt us, especially when that person is someone we love?
I find this helps: a peek into the book material:
Joan and I discussed this (over many years) and came to the conclusion that there exists, inside of us, a little version of ourselves. This Little Me and Little You are representations of our first response feelings. When I say something discouraging, Little You hears it and feels it and feels bad. When you say something encouraging to me, Little Me hears it, feels it and gets warm and fuzzy in response. We don’t have to think about how to respond this way, we just automatically respond this way.
Why forgiveness in relationships Matters
Unforgiven hurt has a way of following us around.
We remember what was said. We remember how someone made us feel. And even when the original argument is over, the hurt can show up again in the next disagreement.
Perhaps we become defensive. Maybe we withdraw, bring up something that happened years ago, or find it difficult to trust the person again.
The problem is that we may believe we have moved on when, in reality, we are still carrying the hurt.
That doesn’t make us bad people. It makes us people who have been hurt. But if we want healthier relationships, we need to understand what forgiveness really means and what it asks of us.
What We Need to Understand about forgiveness in relationships
Forgiveness doesn’t mean pretending that nothing happened.
It doesn’t mean saying that what someone did was acceptable, and it doesn’t mean that we must immediately trust that person again.
Forgiveness is about how we deal with the hurt. It is a decision not to keep using that hurt as a weapon against the other person or allow it to control every future interaction.
That can be difficult, particularly when the other person hasn’t apologised or doesn’t seem to understand why we were hurt.
But here’s something worth considering: holding on to hurt doesn’t necessarily make the other person suffer. Sometimes, we are the ones who continue to carry the weight.
There is another side to forgiveness, too. We need to be willing to look at ourselves.
Have we ever expected someone to forgive us while finding it difficult to forgive them? Have we ever made excuses for our own behaviour but judged someone else harshly for theirs?
Growing in maturity means being honest about both sides of the relationship.
Jesus speaks about forgiveness in Matthew 6:14 (NIV):
“For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.”
Forgiveness is an important part of our faith. But understanding that doesn’t automatically make it easy. Sometimes it takes time, prayer, honest conversations, and a willingness to keep working through the hurt.
Practical Application
The next time you find yourself holding on to something that someone has done, try these steps.
1. Be honest about what hurt you.
Don’t brush it aside simply because you think you should be over it by now. Identify what happened and why it affected you.
2. Separate what happened from what you believe it means.
Someone forgetting something important to you may have hurt deeply. But does it necessarily mean that you don’t matter to them? Before reaching a conclusion, make room for an honest conversation.
3. Decide what you need to do next.
Perhaps you need to explain how you feel. Perhaps you need to apologise for your own part in the disagreement. Or perhaps you need time to work through what happened.
4. Don’t confuse forgiveness with restored trust.
Trust may need to be rebuilt through consistent actions over time. If someone continues to hurt you, appropriate boundaries may be necessary. Forgiveness does not require you to remain in an unsafe situation.
5. Be willing to take the next step.
You may not be ready to say that everything is fine. That’s okay. Start by deciding that you want to work towards letting go of the resentment rather than feeding it.
Forgiveness is not always a single moment. Sometimes it is a process of choosing, again and again, how you want to respond.
Faith Perspective
As Christians, we are reminded that God has shown us grace and forgiveness. That should influence the way we treat others.
Colossians 3:13 (NIV) encourages us to bear with each other and forgive one another, just as the Lord forgave us.
That doesn’t mean we will never feel hurt or angry. It means that our feelings don’t have to make every decision for us.
We can ask God to help us see the situation more clearly, to recognise our own contribution where appropriate, and to find the courage to take the next step.
Sometimes that step is offering forgiveness. Sometimes it is asking for forgiveness. And sometimes it is acknowledging that a relationship needs boundaries and time to heal.
Final Thought
Forgiveness is not always easy, especially when the hurt runs deep.
But we need to ask ourselves an important question: do we want to keep carrying yesterday’s hurt into tomorrow’s relationship?
We cannot change what has happened. We cannot make another person respond as we would like them to. But we can choose how we deal with what has happened and what we do next.
That is part of growing up emotionally. And it is part of growing healthier relationships.
Ready to Take the Next Step?
Explore RelationalRoots – Theme 2: Recognition, a 7-lesson workbook that helps you recognise your triggers, understand your reactions, and take practical steps towards healthier relationships.
Explore the Little Me and Little You by Marc Jarchow book page to discover more about personal growth, emotional maturity, and how the way we understand ourselves can influence the relationships we build.
Or buy the book Little Me and Little You on Amazon
Because growing healthier relationships begins with the choices we make within ourselves.