Have you ever looked at someone else’s behaviour and thought, “If only they would change, things would be so much better”? They need to read the book on How to Become a Better Person in Your Relationships.
If only supper were ready when I got home, things would be so much better.
If only my partner listened to me, things would be so much better.
If only they drove slower/faster/better, things would be so much better.
If only they dealt with the kids better/maturely/faster, things would be so much better.
If only their money habits were better/laxer/tighter, things would be so much better.
If only, if only, if only …
And we can go on. It makes me wonder how a diverse couple- think gender, culture, background, influences, trauma, experiences and more- get to grow closer, automatically.
No chance.
Perhaps your husband does not listen. Perhaps your wife keeps bringing up something you thought you had already dealt with. Or perhaps someone close to you does things in a way that you simply cannot understand.
It is easy to see what other people need to change. But what about us? What do we bring into the relationship? And are we willing to look at ourselves with the same honesty we expect from others?
How to Become a Better Person in Your Relationships
The problem is that we often measure our behaviour by what we intended to do, while measuring the other person’s behaviour by what they actually did.
We know why we said something. We know what we were thinking. We know that we did not mean to hurt anyone.
But the other person does not always see it that way.
We might say something because we are tired, frustrated or worried about something else. The other person hears the words and feels hurt. We then explain why we said it, expecting them to understand. But perhaps what they need is for us to understand why it hurt them.
There is a difference.
If we want to become a better person in our relationships, we have to be willing to look beyond our intentions and consider the effect our behaviour has on others.
Becoming a Better Person Starts With Yourself
It is not about accepting all the blame or deciding that the other person is always right. Relationships involve two people, and both bring their own experiences, expectations and ways of doing things.
But we can only take responsibility for our own part.
We cannot make another person listen. We cannot force someone to change their attitude. We cannot decide how they will respond to us.
What we can do is look at ourselves.
How do we react when someone disagrees with us? Do we listen, or do we start preparing our answer before they have finished speaking? When we make a mistake, do we admit it, or do we find a reason why it was not really our fault?
These are not always comfortable questions. But if we are serious about becoming a better person in our relationships, they are worth asking.
Why Changing Your Behaviour Matters
We sometimes expect a relationship to improve because we have explained ourselves more clearly. We think that if the other person could only understand what we meant, everything would be fine.
But understanding our reasons does not necessarily make the behaviour acceptable.
If I keep interrupting someone, explaining that I am an enthusiastic person does not make it less frustrating for them. If I keep making promises and failing to keep them, explaining that I had good intentions does not restore their confidence in me.
At some point, something has to change.
And that change has to be more than saying, “I will try to do better.” It means looking at what we actually do and deciding what we can do differently next time.
What Can You Do to Become a Better Person?
Start with something small.
Think about a recent disagreement. Instead of concentrating only on what the other person did wrong, ask yourself what you contributed to the situation.
Perhaps you raised your voice. Perhaps you made an assumption without asking a question. Perhaps you were so busy defending yourself that you did not hear what the other person was trying to tell you.
You do not have to change everything at once. Choose one thing you can work on.
The next time the situation arises, try responding differently. Listen a little longer. Ask a question before making a judgement. Admit when you are wrong. If you have hurt someone, apologise without immediately explaining why you did it.
You may not get it right every time. Neither will the other person. But each time you make a conscious effort to change your behaviour, you give the relationship an opportunity to grow.
A Christian Perspective on Becoming a Better Person
The Bible reminds us in Philippians 2:3–4 (NIV) not to act out of selfish ambition, but to value others and look to their interests as well as our own.
This does not mean that we ignore our own needs or allow others to treat us badly. It means that our needs are not the only ones that matter.
We are all still growing. We all have things we need to learn about ourselves, about other people and about the way we respond when life does not go as we expected.
Perhaps becoming a better person is not about becoming someone completely different. Perhaps it begins when we recognise that there are things about ourselves that need attention, and we are willing to do something about them.
Final Thought
If you want your relationships to improve, do not spend all your time waiting for someone else to change.
Ask yourself what you can do differently.
You may not be able to change the other person, but you can change the way you respond to them. And sometimes, that is where the opportunity for a better relationship begins.
Ready to take the next step?
The 7 Questions for a More Mature Relationship guide will help you look at yourself, understand your responses and consider how you can grow in the way you relate to others.
Growing Ourselves. Strengthening Our Relationships.
More info on the short devotional guide called “7 Questions for a More Mature Relationship” is here.
You can also buy the 7 Questions guide in our Etsy shop here,