Have you ever found yourself having the same argument with someone, perhaps your husband, wife, or a friend, and wondered why it keeps happening? You talk about it, you explain your side, and perhaps you even agree that things need to change. Then a few days later, there you are again, having the same argument.
So what went wrong?
We did not get on the How to Change Your Behaviour to Improve Relationships train is what went wrong.
Somewhere, built deep into our very being, is the need to be right. It feels as if, when we are wrong, that for some reason we are a lesser person. We aren’t a lesser person, but it feels like it, and you know how we are. We hate to go against our feelings, and there we will grind it through until we are right in some or fashion. Even when it then feels wrong to be right. Which is weird.
I have been on this journey for a while. I have been drumming this concept into my own head, and you know when it starts to make a difference? When you look back and realise that the world did not come to an end because you admitted someone else was right. In fact, the exact opposite happened. Your partner was encouraged by your admission and felt like the relationship had been strengthened by it. Go figure. What do our feelings know anyway, I ask myself.
Perhaps the problem is that we spend more time thinking about what the other person needs to change than looking at what we are doing ourselves.
Why Changing Your Behaviour Can Improve Your Relationships
It is easy to see what other people are doing wrong. We know when they are not listening, when they are being unreasonable, or when they are not treating us the way we think they should.
But what about us?
We might say that the other person is always getting angry, but do we ever consider how we respond when they get angry? We might complain that they never listen, but do we listen when they try to explain something to us?
It is not always comfortable to ask these questions. We would much rather explain why we behave the way we do.
And sometimes we have good reasons. But having a reason for our behaviour does not mean that our behaviour is helping the relationship.
There is a difference.
You Cannot Change the Other Person
One of the things we need to understand is that we cannot make another person change. We can ask, explain, encourage, and even argue about it, but the final decision belongs to them.
What we can do is look at ourselves.
Perhaps you tend to interrupt when someone is speaking. Perhaps you become defensive when they point out something you have done wrong. Or perhaps you withdraw from the conversation because you do not want another argument.
You may have become so used to behaving this way that you no longer think about it.
But what if your behaviour is helping to keep the problem going?
This does not mean that everything that goes wrong in a relationship is your fault. It means that you need to take responsibility for the part that belongs to you.
How to Change Your Behaviour in a Relationship
The first step is to recognise what you are doing.
This sounds simple enough, but it is not always easy. We often see our intentions rather than the effect our behaviour has on someone else.
You may not intend to hurt someone when you make a particular comment, but that does not mean they were not hurt by it.
So, instead of immediately explaining why you said it, stop for a moment and consider what the other person is telling you.
The second step is to decide what you could do differently.
If you tend to interrupt, try listening until the other person has finished speaking. If you become defensive, try asking yourself whether there might be something in what they are saying that you need to consider. If you walk away from difficult conversations, perhaps you need to find a better way of dealing with them.
You do not have to change everything at once. Start with one thing and practise doing it differently.
And when you get it wrong, as you probably will from time to time, do not use that as a reason to give up.
Recognise what happened, put it right where you can, and try again.
What Does God Say About Changing Our Behaviour?
The Bible encourages us to look at ourselves rather than spending all our time judging others.
In Matthew 7:3–5, Jesus talks about noticing the speck in someone else’s eye while failing to notice the plank in our own. His point is not that we should ignore the other person’s faults. It is that we need to be honest about our own.
This is an important part of growing in our relationships.
We can spend years waiting for someone else to change while doing very little about our own behaviour. Or we can begin by asking God to help us see ourselves more clearly and give us the willingness to do something about what we discover.
That is where change can begin.
A Question Worth Asking Yourself
Think about a relationship in which you would like things to improve.
Instead of starting with what the other person needs to do differently, ask yourself:
What am I doing that might be making this situation worse, and what could I do differently next time?
You may not be able to change the other person. You may not even be able to change the situation immediately. But you can begin to change the way you respond.
And sometimes, that one change can make a difference to the whole conversation.
Ready to take the next step?
The 7 Questions for a More Mature Relationship reflection guide can help you look at yourself, understand your responses, and consider what you can do to build stronger, healthier relationships.
More info on the short devotional guide called “7 Questions for a More Mature Relationship” is here.
You can also buy the 7 Questions guide in our Etsy shop here,