What a good question. So, how do I get to the point where I know how to Accept What You Cannot Change in a Relationship?
When I was young, much younger than I am now, I may have transitioned through the phase where I thought I could tweak my wife in increments until she thought how I thought. I have to ask myself where that thinking came from. Anyway, it turns out I was wrong on this one, as I was wrong on most of the other relationship concepts I grew up with. It turns out that what makes us different is the very things that make us who we are as a couple. Also, things change; we learn from each other because it also turns out that our particular viewpoint on a subject may not be the final say on that subject once diluted through the test of time and experience.
I was more untidy, and she was more tidy, and now I’m more tidy.
She did not drink red wine, while I did, and now we both enjoy a glass together.
She does not like showering, and I have a less strong opinion, and now we only have a bath in the house.
She likes cats, and I’m not a fan and slightly allergic, and so we have had dogs our whole lives.
And so on.
But let’s keep learning how to accept what you cannot change in a relationship.
Have you ever found yourself wishing that someone would change? Perhaps there is something they keep doing that irritates you, or perhaps you have explained yourself so many times that you have run out of words. You keep hoping that one day they will understand what you are trying to say and things will be different.
But what happens when they don’t change?
How to Accept What You Cannot Change in a Relationship
We all have things we would like to change about the people around us. Sometimes these are small things, but sometimes they are things that affect our relationships in a big way.
The problem starts when we spend so much time thinking about what the other person should do differently that we forget to look at what we can do differently ourselves.
We cannot make another person think the way we think, feel the way we feel, or see things the way we see them. We can explain, we can ask, and we can try to help them understand. But in the end, the decision to change belongs to them.
And this is where things become difficult.
Why We Struggle to Accept What We Cannot Change
When we care about someone, we want things to work out. We want them to understand us, to listen to us, and to consider how their actions affect us.
There is nothing wrong with wanting these things.
But sometimes we become so focused on getting the other person to change that we start trying to control the situation. We repeat ourselves, become frustrated, and perhaps even say things we later regret.
We tell ourselves that if only they would change, everything would be better.
Perhaps that is true. But what if they don’t change?
We can spend years waiting for someone to become the person we think they should be. In the meantime, we may miss the opportunity to do something about the one person we can actually work on — ourselves.
What Does Accepting Someone Really Mean?
Accepting what we cannot change does not mean that we agree with everything the other person does. It does not mean that their behaviour is acceptable, or that we must pretend something does not hurt us.
It simply means recognising the difference between what belongs to us and what belongs to them.
Their choices belong to them. Our choices belong to us.
We may not be able to change how someone speaks to us, but we can consider how we respond. We may not be able to make someone listen, but we can decide how we communicate. And we may not be able to make someone take responsibility for their actions, but we can take responsibility for our own.
This does not mean that every relationship can or should continue in the same way. Sometimes we need to establish boundaries, seek help, or make difficult decisions about what is healthy and safe.
Acceptance is not giving up on ourselves. It is recognising what we can and cannot control.
How to Accept What You Cannot Change and Improve Your Relationship
Perhaps the first thing we need to do is stop and ask ourselves a question.
Am I trying to change the other person, or am I willing to look at what I can change about myself?
This is not always an easy question to answer. It is much easier to see what the other person is doing wrong than to consider how we might be contributing to the problem.
But this is where growth begins.
We can start by recognising what we are feeling, why we are feeling it, and what we are doing in response. We can explain our concerns without demanding that the other person agree with us. We can listen to their point of view, even when we see things differently.
And then we must allow them to make their own decisions.
We may not like those decisions. We may wish things were different. But we do not have to allow our frustration with another person’s choices to determine how we behave.
That part is still our responsibility.
A Christian Perspective on Accepting What We Cannot Change
The Bible reminds us in Proverbs 3:5–6 (NIV) to trust in the Lord rather than relying only on our own understanding.
Sometimes we become so convinced that we know what another person needs to do that we forget how much we ourselves still have to learn.
Trusting God does not mean that we stop trying to improve our relationships. It means recognising that we are not responsible for controlling every outcome.
We can ask God to help us see our own behaviour more clearly, to give us patience when things do not change as quickly as we would like, and to help us respond with wisdom rather than frustration.
We can do our part and leave the other person’s choices with them.
Final Thought
You cannot build a better relationship by spending all your time trying to turn someone else into the person you want them to be.
You can explain what matters to you. You can listen, encourage, and make changes in your own behaviour. You can also decide what boundaries are necessary.
But you cannot make another person change.
Perhaps the question we need to ask is not only, “Why won’t they change?” but also, “What can I do differently, even if they don’t?”
That is where we begin to take responsibility for our own growth.
Ready to take the next step?
The 7 Questions for a More Mature Relationship guide can help you look at yourself, understand your part in your relationships, and discover where you can begin to make a difference.
More info on the short devotional guide called “7 Questions for a More Mature Relationship” is here.
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