Have you ever had someone hurt you and then wondered how to forgive someone who has hurt you?
Many times. The problem is that it is easier not to forgive because then you can keep some kind of mental credit against them. Forgiving neutralises that in some bizarre way, and now you are equals again.
Like apologising, forgiving is something we have to learn. We live in a broken world, amongst a humanity that has to be pointed towards Jesus, and so we are surrounded by people who make mistakes, including us. People will do things to us and we have to learn to deal with that.
Perhaps they said something that cut deep. Perhaps they let you down when you needed them most. Or perhaps they did something that changed the way you look at them, and even though time has passed, you still find yourself thinking about it.
Then someone tells you that you must forgive them.
And you think, Why should I? They were the ones who hurt me.
It is a fair question.
How to Forgive Someone Who Has Hurt You When You Are Still Angry
The problem with forgiveness is that we sometimes think we must forgive before we have even dealt with what happened.
We may tell ourselves that we have forgiven the person because we do not want to appear bitter or unkind. We may even tell them that everything is fine, when it is not.
But underneath it all, the hurt is still there.
Then something happens that reminds us of what they did, and suddenly we are angry all over again.
So have we really forgiven them?
I think we need to look at what forgiveness means and what it does not mean.
Why Is It So Difficult to Forgive Someone Who Has Hurt You?
When someone hurts us, we do not just remember what happened. We remember how it made us feel.
We may feel rejected, embarrassed, betrayed or taken for granted. Sometimes the other person may not even realise how deeply they have hurt us.
But that does not mean the hurt is not real.
The difficulty is that we can become so focused on what the other person did that we allow their actions to keep affecting us long after the event.
We go over the conversation in our minds. We think about what we should have said. We imagine what we would say if we had another chance.
And the more we think about it, the more difficult it becomes to let it go.
We may believe that holding on to the hurt somehow makes the other person accountable for what they did. But does it really?
They may have moved on with their lives while we are still carrying the weight of what happened.
Forgiveness does not mean that what they did was acceptable. It means that we are no longer going to let what they did control everything that happens next.
That is not always easy, but it is worth thinking about.
What Does It Mean to Forgive Someone Who Has Hurt You?
Forgiveness does not mean pretending that nothing happened. It does not mean that the other person was right, or that we must agree with their explanation.
And it certainly does not mean that we must immediately trust them again.
These are different things.
We can forgive someone and still recognise that their behaviour was wrong. We can forgive someone and still need time before we feel comfortable around them again. We can forgive someone and decide that certain boundaries are necessary.
Sometimes people think that if we have forgiven someone, the relationship must return to the way it was before.
But why should it?
If something has happened that damaged the relationship, rebuilding it may take time. The other person may need to acknowledge what they did and show that they are willing to change.
Forgiveness is not the same as restoring trust.
And forgiveness does not mean that we must remain in a relationship where we are being harmed or treated badly.
How to Forgive Someone Who Has Hurt You Without Ignoring Your Own Feelings
Perhaps the first thing we need to do is be honest with ourselves.
What exactly hurt us?
Was it what the person said or did? Was it the way they treated us? Or was it what their actions seemed to say about us?
Sometimes these things are connected, but they are not always the same.
For example, someone may forget something that was important to us. We may see this as proof that they do not care about us. But is that necessarily what it means?
We need to be careful that we do not take what happened, add our own interpretation, and then treat that interpretation as the whole truth.
This does not make the hurt disappear. It simply gives us a chance to understand what happened more clearly.
Then we can ask ourselves a few questions.
- What am I still holding on to?
- What do I need to understand about what happened?
- Is there something I need to discuss with this person?
- Am I waiting for them to apologise before I allow myself to move forward?
- What would it mean for me to stop carrying this hurt into every new conversation?
We may not have all the answers immediately. That is fine. The important thing is that we begin to look at what is happening inside us, rather than spending all our time thinking about what the other person did wrong.
What Does the Bible Say About Forgiving Someone Who Has Hurt You?
The Bible does not suggest that forgiveness is always easy. But it does make it clear that forgiveness matters.
In Ephesians 4:32, the NIV says:
“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”
That gives us something to think about.
We have all needed forgiveness at some point. We have all said things we should not have said, made mistakes, or failed to treat someone as we should have.
If we want others to show us grace when we get things wrong, we need to be willing to consider how we can show grace to them.
This does not mean that we ignore wrongdoing. It means that we recognise that none of us gets everything right.
Sometimes we need to remember that the person who hurt us is also a person who makes mistakes. That does not excuse what they did, but it may help us see them as more than the one thing they did wrong.
And sometimes forgiveness begins with a simple prayer asking God to help us do what we are struggling to do on our own.
Learning to Forgive and Move Forward
So, how do we forgive someone who has hurt us?
We begin by being honest about the hurt. We try to understand what happened without allowing our feelings to decide the whole story. We recognise that forgiveness does not excuse the other person’s behaviour, restore trust automatically, or require us to accept further harm.
And then, sometimes little by little, we make the decision not to keep carrying the hurt into everything that follows.
We may still need time. We may need to have a difficult conversation. We may need to establish boundaries. And there may be situations where the relationship cannot be restored.
But we can still work towards forgiveness.
Perhaps the question is not simply, Why should I forgive someone who hurt me?
Perhaps we should also ask, What is holding on to this hurt doing to me, and what might change if I begin to let it go?
That is something each of us needs to think about for ourselves.
A Final Thought
Forgiveness is not always a single decision that makes everything feel better. Sometimes it is a decision we have to return to as we work through what happened.
But we do not have to allow someone else’s mistake to become the thing that defines our lives or our future relationships.
We can acknowledge what happened, learn from it, and decide how we want to move forward.
And perhaps that is where our own growth begins.
Ready to take the next step?
In the 7 Questions for a More Mature Relationship Christian reflection guide, we explore how understanding ourselves, taking responsibility for our responses, and growing in grace can help us build stronger relationships.
Because growing in our relationships begins with being willing to look at ourselves, too.
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More info on the short devotional guide called “7 Questions for a More Mature Relationship” is here.
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