How to admit you are wrong: “Who’s wrong?”
When you realize you were wrong !!!
Like that’s ever going to happen.
“Me, wrong! What are you smoking?”
Or my other favorite.
“I was wrong once, but the more I think about it, the more I’m sure I made a mistake.”
It’s hard. I still find it so today. Somehow we feel lesser when we have to admit that we are not perfect. We know that logically, but we don’t feel it when we have to apologise. In front of people, we always want to be presented as OK. Not “perfect” because we all know no one is perfect. In our minds, however, even OK does not make mistakes. Only bad people make mistakes, surely.
At least that is what we tell ourselves, and that is why admitting wrong is a biggie, and we hate it.
So this is a new thing one has to learn as a relationship partner: how to admit you are wrong.
Have you ever had a disagreement with someone and found yourself spending more time explaining why you were right than trying to understand what had actually happened?
It happens to most of us. Someone points out something we said or did, and before we have even had time to think about it, we are already explaining ourselves. We have reasons for what we did. We remember what the other person said. And if we look hard enough, we can usually find something they did wrong as well.
But what happens when the other person has a point? What happens when we begin to realise that perhaps we were wrong after all?
How to Admit You Are Wrong When You Want to Defend Yourself
The problem is not always that we cannot see what we have done wrong. Sometimes the problem is that we do not want to see it.
There is a difference.
We might know that we spoke too harshly, but we also remember that we were tired. We might know that we did not listen, but we were busy with something important. We might know that we made a poor decision, but we had our reasons at the time.
And so we start explaining.
Now, there is nothing wrong with explaining why we did something. Sometimes the circumstances are important. But there comes a point when our explanations become a way of avoiding responsibility.
We are no longer trying to understand what happened. We are trying to make sure that we do not look like the person who got it wrong.
And that is where things can become difficult.
Why Is It So Difficult to Admit We Are Wrong?
I think part of the problem is that we sometimes connect being wrong with being a failure.
If I admit that I was wrong, what does that say about me? Does it mean that I am not as wise as I thought I was? Does it mean that the other person was right and I was wrong? Does it mean that I have to accept all the blame for what happened?
We can make a simple mistake into something much bigger than it needs to be.
Instead of saying, “Yes, I should not have said that,” we start looking for reasons why we said it. Instead of listening to the hurt we caused, we start talking about the hurt we experienced.
Before long, we are having two different conversations. The other person is trying to tell us what happened to them, and we are trying to explain what happened to us.
Both may be important. But if we never stop to listen to the other person, we may never get to the part where we can do something about our own behaviour.
Learning how to admit you are wrong does not mean that everything was your fault. It means being willing to take responsibility for the part that was yours.
What Happens When We Stop Trying to Prove Our Point?
Imagine that your wife tells you that she felt ignored because you continued watching television while she was trying to talk to you.
You might respond by explaining that you had a difficult day and needed some time to relax. You might point out that you had listened to her earlier. You might even remind her of the times when she was distracted while you were talking.
And perhaps some of those things are true.
But none of them answers the question she is trying to raise. She is telling you that she felt ignored.
What would happen if, instead of explaining yourself, you said, “I can see why you felt that way. I should have stopped what I was doing and listened to you.”
That does not mean you are agreeing with everything she thinks. It does not mean that you are a terrible husband or that you are never allowed to relax. It simply means that you have recognised something you could have done differently.
Sometimes that is all the other person needs to hear before you can begin to have a proper conversation.
How to Admit You Are Wrong Without Taking All the Blame
There is another side to this. Admitting that you were wrong about something does not mean that you must accept responsibility for everything that went wrong.
Perhaps you spoke unkindly, but the other person also said something hurtful. Perhaps you made a poor decision, but you were both involved in making it. You can take responsibility for your part without pretending that the other person’s part does not exist.
The important thing is to deal with one thing at a time.
Start with yourself. What did you say or do? What effect might it have had on the other person? What could you have done differently?
You do not have to settle every disagreement in one conversation. And you do not have to win every argument.
Sometimes the most useful words we can say are, “I got that wrong. I am sorry.”
Then allow the other person to respond. Do not immediately follow your apology with a list of reasons why you did what you did. Give them the opportunity to feel heard.
An apology is not a way of ending a conversation so that we can get back to normal. It is an opportunity to begin putting something right.
What Does the Bible Say About Admitting We Are Wrong?
Jesus asked a question in Matthew 7:3–5 (NIV) about why we notice the speck of sawdust in someone else’s eye while failing to notice the plank in our own.
It is an interesting picture because it describes something we all know how to do. We can see the other person’s faults quite clearly while finding it much harder to recognise our own.
The point is not that we should never help someone else see where they are going wrong. It is that we need to be willing to look at ourselves first.
If we want our relationships to grow, we have to be prepared to do more than point out what the other person needs to change. We also need to ask what we need to change.
And that begins with being honest about ourselves.
A Question Worth Asking Yourself
The next time you find yourself in a disagreement, pay attention to your first response.
Are you trying to understand what the other person is saying, or are you already preparing your defence?
When you realise that you were wrong, can you admit it without immediately explaining why you did it? Can you listen to how the other person experienced the situation without turning the conversation back to yourself?
These are not always easy things to do. We have habits, and we have our reasons for doing what we do. Changing the way we respond takes practice.
But if we can learn to recognise our part in what goes wrong, we give ourselves an opportunity to do things differently next time.
And that is what growing as a person is all about. Not getting everything right, but being willing to recognise when we have got something wrong and doing something about it.
Ready to take the next step?
The 7 Questions for a More Mature Relationship guide will help you look at your own responses, understand yourself better, and consider the changes you can make to strengthen your relationships. Because sometimes the most important change in a relationship begins with the perso
The short devotional guide called “7 Questions for a More Mature Relationship” helps us go through this process in a structured way.
You can also buy the 7 Questions guide in our Etsy shop here,