Interdependence in Relationships – Why I need you and why you need me – Its OK, it’s quite healthy.
Romans 12:3–5 (NIV)
For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you. For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others.
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“The fundamental law of human beings is interdependence. A person is a person through other persons.”
Desmond Tutu
(South African bishop and theologian)
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The Bible even teaches Interdependence in Relationships.
The quote from our own Desmond Tutu states plainly that we are who we are through those around us. If we consider a relationship with another person. Who stands alone and says, “I am in a relationship.” It’s absurd thinking. The very word ‘relationship’ implies an interconnectedness that, through its very actions, brings the relationship into being. Two independent people are not a relationship.
A relationship is formed through connection, not isolation or implied though a contract.
Who you are takes shape through relationships with others.
Again Interdependence in Relationships.
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“I can never be what I ought to be until you are what you ought to be. This is the way our world is made. No individual or nation can stand out boasting of being independent. We are interdependent.”
Martin Luther King, Jr.
(American minister and civil rights activist)
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Interdependence in Relationships – Martin Luther agrees.
Joan and I speak very little sometimes. We know already what our relationship requires at certain times. Other relationships will also create their own unique quiet times when each person knows what is required, when it is required.
When she starts washing the dishes, I pick up the dishcloth and start drying and packing away. She does not need to ask.
When one of us starts to make the bed, the other comes over and does what is required to make it a 60-second exercise.
No words are needed.
At night, when we get into bed, I place the edge of my pillow over my right shoulder because when she gets into bed, that is where her head will go. The rest of our bodies already know how we will fold into each other. There is no discussion. There is just comforting familiarity.
When she wakes up in a shock at night and says, “rub, rub, RUB.” I don’t have to ask what. It’s her calves, and one or both have decided to spasm, and a good RUB normally fixes it.
Our verse has the line each member belongs to all the others. This can easily be overlooked. Belong feels like a strong word. It could raise a feeling of anxiety. We want to be independent, our own person, do the things we want to do when we want to do them. Then steer clear of relationships because within one, especially within the context of following Jesus, we belong to all the others. There is an interdependency that we have to embrace. This implies a letting go of ‘my way’ thinking and heading towards ‘our way’ thinking.
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“Life doesn’t make any sense without interdependence.
We need each other, and the sooner we learn that, the better for us all.
Erik Erikson
(German-American child psychoanalyst)
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Joan and I have one bank account and everything we earn goes in there. We don’t have a mine or a yours, we have an ours. Our phones are open to each other as our fingerprints open both phones. When one of us goes out, they let the other know when they are on the way back by texting an OTW or On The Way. We make all the decisions that affect us in any way. No secrets because we don’t want any. We don’t even want to make secrets a possibility. We work from home, and both computers face the room. We can easily see what the other is working on. Interdependent trust through openness.
The point I am trying to make is that a be-all and end-all attitude might be seen within businesses as a type of leadership style, but within a relationship, it has no place. It all starts with not thinking of oneself too highly than one ought to, and the way to do that is to think of oneself with sober judgement. We know that when we drink too much alcohol, our discernment starts failing, and exactly the same thing happens when we become drunk with thinking too highly of our abilities. Our ability to see ourselves clearly becomes impaired. That does not mean deny your abilities. It just means not to think of them too highly.
Here is another lesson I have learned over the years. People have abilities beyond the obvious. We can lay too much emphasis on the bits we see, so that we often overlook the bits we can’t see.
Joan did not get the educational opportunities that I did, and yet when I hear the advice she dispenses to those seeking it, it amazes me with its depth and insight. This was not learned from any book other than the Bible. It was learned from an understanding of human nature, a growing understanding of oneself and years of exposure to many of the verses that we discuss. No degree will get you anywhere near that. There is no certificate on the wall. No one will see it when you walk past. Yet, it’s there, and the next person seeking advice will be enriched by it.
We each have different talents and abilities, and all complement each other.
Joan is more careful, and I’m a little less so.
Joan can cook well, and I can also keep myself alive if I have to.
She bakes cakes, I bake bread.
She accounts for the money we spend, and I design the spreadsheets.
She keeps us socially connected. I like being alone.
She sows well. I‘m a hardware hacker. I figure things out and fix stuff.
We go shopping together.
We love long walks.
She likes romantic movies, and I like a good story, the quirkier the better.
We have some things in common.
She’s learned to like some of my things, like coffee and watching sports.
I’ve learned to like some of her things, like playing card games and watching tear-jerkers.
Because we need each other, we adapt, which is what best friends do.
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“The truth is, we are all interdependent… and to know this is to know the core of our being.”
Daisaku Ikeda
(Japanese Buddhist leader, author, and educator)
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~~~ THE END ~~~
I have written extensively on relationships and my thoughts are recorded in my book.
Read more about the book on this Link on the Website OR
Buy the Book on Amazon, if you want to discover what happens when Little ME meets Little YOU.